Out on his own and doing things his way – the only way that made any sense to him – there were yet more obstacles between Kenny and his dreams of rock stardom. The biggest of all, it turns out, was himself. He knew the music he wanted to make – upbeat, anthemic, in-your-face rock – but the persona required to carry that off was the exact opposite of who he was on the inside. He’d grown up as the kid who’d hide away from the world in his bedroom, but now he wanted to be a star. Four years later, despite the energy with which he attacks his music, he’s still grappling with his identity. It takes its toll.
“I struggle with it,” Kenny says of the relationship between his stage presence and his real-life personality. “People can see me perform and hear the music, but that doesn’t mean they understand me personally. It makes me feel blurry in the head when I try to think about how I want to be perceived, and it fucking kills my spirit, because I still feel like no-one really knows me. But then I also don't want anyone to really know me because I’m not sure anyone would even understand. I go through cycles of wanting to be understood and thinking it doesn’t matter if I’m not, and the truth is that I’m no closer to figuring that whole thing out.”
One person who was able to relate to Kenny’s uncertain feelings was his collaborator on SURVIVORS GUILT, Travis Barker. The blink-182 drummer is an experienced head and a calming, measured presence in the studio, which was exactly what Kenny needed when trying to articulate his feelings through his music. Kenny believes them to be kindred spirits, and credits Travis with guiding him away from the self-criticism and lingering thoughts of inadequacy that had always blighted his musical. But with Travis at his side, Kenny started to believe in both himself and the record they had set out to make; one that would capture the same spirit of those he’d loved in his youth.
“I can't even make music with most people because I feel like I like weird them out,” Kenny says. “Things were just good with Travis, though. He actually told me that I’m way too hard on myself, and he could see how much pressure I’d put myself under and how hard I was trying to articulate my feelings.
“His advice to me when writing was simple: ‘You only have one chance to say it, so just say it, because you could fucking die tomorrow.’”