“I wondered if the universe was telling me something”: How Holy Wars turned pain into hope

Kat Leon has an affinity for dragonflies now. It started the day Holy Wars supported Evanescence live, when she saw two of them buzzing about, along with a white butterfly. She’d always associated white butterflies with her late mother, who had passed away along with her father 10 years ago. Last year, she lost her sister too. Kat looked at those insects and thought of the three of them, as if nature had found a way to briefly reunite her family.

That night, Holy Wars debuted their new single Metamorphosis, the first time anyone outside their inner circle had heard it. When she went to sleep, Kat dreamed that a dragonfly flew into her chest, a sensation so startling that it woke her up. Instantly, she wanted to have dragonfly imagery in the song’s music video. Diving through the internet, she learned that these insects undergo the same sense of transformation she had been singing about, born in the water before taking flight.

Kat returned home and stumbled upon some mementos of her sister that she had kept when she cleared out her things. In a box was a brass wire ornament – in the shape of a dragonfly. Kat had never drawn any connection between them before, but now there’s an everlasting one. With the release of the single, that image will be there for all to see.

As Metamorphosis arrives for all to hear now, we caught up with Kat to get its full story – which encompasses everything from her fresh wave of grief to shadow work – as well as Holy Wars’ forthcoming album…

How did Metamorphosis first come together?
“We actually wrote with my buddy Holden. Nick [Perez, guitarist/producer] and I write pretty much everything – the lyrics, melody, production – but this one, I really wanted to bring in Holden, because he has such a beautiful sensibility with melodies. We were talking about where I was at and the place in my life. Last year, my sister passed away, and that was on the heels of my parents passing away. I was looking at my life as the last surviving member of my immediate family and I was really in a precious state where I was just contemplating giving up music. I’m starting to wonder, ‘Should I crawl into a hole and just remove myself from society? Because seriously, the universe is telling me something.’ I was thinking about metamorphosis and one life dying for another, and how I was connected to them as their daughter and sister. I have videos and I have photographs, but I don’t have them to remind me of who I was and the person I’ve become because of them. It’s so painful, but then maybe there is something more hopeful, and that hope has been the thing that has kept me going.”

How did you feel putting all that across to another person and translating those feelings?
“I usually don’t bring such deep, personal lyrics to somebody that we’re bringing in as a writer to help us with a song. I was a little nervous, but what we came up with is something I’m really proud of. We didn’t know if we were going to release it as a single or put it on an album. When we showed it to our label, 30 seconds in the head of our label, Jason, was like, ‘This one should come out.’ It just felt easy. With the best songs, you don’t have to force it.”

Does it always come that easily when you have so much pain to put in a song? Are there other times where getting the words out is harder or more emotionally taxing?
“Both, actually – it really depends on where I’m at mentally. I’ve never been a writer that can write a fun dance pop song about going out on a Friday night. I wish I could! It has always been about my story, and this whole project started right after the death of my parents. This was never even meant to be a band, but it was a form of healing through writing poetry, and then that poetry turned into songs. There was a period right around the Mother Father EP, which started this band, I wrote only from that place. It did open us up to so many people that were like, ‘I connect with this,’ and I was getting beautiful messages from people from all over the world.
“I started seeing a lot of people crying in the audience and I was like, ‘I’m in a rock band – I want to see people in a mosh-pit!’ I wanted to see catharsis in another way. We started writing a little differently, less about my personal tragedy. But then my sister unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack. Then I was like, ‘I’m right back to where I started.’ Now I’m in that same place, and I can only write authentically. The music’s coming out a lot easier, but there’s been periods where I didn’t know what I really wanted to say, and I can’t say something that I don’t actually feel.”

When talking about Metamorphosis you referenced the shadow self – how has that become something you’ve focused on as you’ve tried to heal?
“I always want to think consciously, ‘What am I putting out there?’ When I talk about the shadow self and shadow work, [it’s about] looking at the deepest, darkest parts of yourself that so many of us want to put aside – the fears, the jealousy, maybe even worse than that. I’ve had very dark thoughts, and I start to question ‘Am I a horrible person?’ for being resentful of the people that still have their families. You confront yourself with who you are, and then you look at yourself less as this villain and more as this broken little bird that just needs to repair its wings. Then there’s that transformation of letting that part of you go so you can hopefully step into something a lot more beautiful and compassionate. Bringing it to the light is one thing and that’s the first step, but you need the tools to heal so you don’t want to carry it with you. Even though this has become my identity in so many ways, because it’s the biggest thing I’ve known in my life, I don’t want that to be my end story.”

You’ve had a few singles out recently, including Crucify. Are we building towards something bigger? What can you tell us?
“The album’s quite a journey. It has an alternative metal kind of vibe and Metamorphosis is a good tell of vocally what the album’s going to be like, but we’re still going to have fry screams, breakdowns and then there’s some left turns we take. We really wanted to build an experience versus just banger, banger, banger, banger, banger. There’s one song called I’ll Fuck On Your Grave, but it’s beautiful. The album’s called Shadow Work/Light Work. It’s coming out next year and we have another single to release before it!”

Metamorphosis is out now

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